


Just Getting By

by legallyblained



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Family, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 06:01:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17823221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legallyblained/pseuds/legallyblained
Summary: Jake and Amy deal with an unexpected tragedy. Read the end notes for content warnings.





	Just Getting By

“Peralta. Please tell your wife to go home.”

“We all know that’s not how anything works with us.”

Jake tried to convince Amy to stay home this morning. He’s pleaded with her to go home since they arrived. He’s even offered to carry her home in his arms, knowing fully well he is incapable of doing this. So far, nothing has worked.

“I keep telling you, I’m fine. I’m just tired.” She winces again, trying not to make it too obvious and failing. She tries to continue reporting back to Terry on her recent community outreach program, but has to stop as she spaces out for a moment.

“Amy.” Jake touches her arm and Terry takes a step away so they can talk properly. “It’s one day. No work is worth making yourself sick.”

She raises an eyebrow at him, both of them remembering the ridiculous lengths he’s gone to so he can keep working when he’s not fit – but she knows how hard he’s been trying to take a step back when he needs it. More so since they got married. She reminds herself that really all he’s doing is caring about her and trying his hardest to be a good husband.

“You do realise, if every woman with abdominal pain took the day off, this entire precinct would shut down?”

He risks crossing work boundaries by taking her hand.

“You do realise that if anything happened to you, I would shut down?”

“I keep telling you, when my period is late, my cramps are worse; this always happens-” she has to stop to put her other hand over her stomach. She has to take a couple of slow breaths.

“That’s it. Either you let me take you to a doctor or I get the captain to order you to go. Either way, it’s happening.”

She steels herself and stares at him. “Fine. I’ll try and get an emergency appointment. But you’re staying here. I’ll see you at home once I’ve had confirmation that there is absolutely nothing wrong.”

“I’ll stay here if you take a cab so I know you won’t pass out on the subway.”

A pause.

“Deal.”

Another pause.

“I love you very much," she says in such a matter-of-fact way he can't help smiling. "Thank you for worrying about me.”

“I love you too. Keep me updated, okay?”

She nods. A quick kiss – on the lips, more than they usually allow themselves at work – and a squeeze of hands, and she’s gone.

-

Even though he knows it’ll be just as blank as last time he checked, Jake can’t help looking at his phone again, just in case. As if by magic, a message pops up.

**[Borat voice] MY WIFE: Free to talk? X**

He knew he would regret changing her name in his phone. He makes a mental note to change it later, and calls her immediately, grabbing his jacket to take it outside.

“So, what did she say?”

“I’m home now, just so you know. I don’t want you to worry, I’m not at hospital or anything. Sorry, this is weird to say on the phone, but I didn’t want to wait, and texting felt weird, and-”

He can tell something’s off. 

“Ames?”

“Jake, I, um- I… h-had a miscarriage.”

His brain short-circuits. He searches desperately for the right words. There aren’t any.

“I don’t understand. I didn’t even know you-”

“Neither did I. Apparently it was only a few weeks. It explains the late period and the pain and everything. Sorry, I shouldn’t have done this over the phone-”

“What do you need? What can I do?”

He just keeps picturing her at home by herself, feeling lost and vulnerable, and it physically hurts that he’s not there.

“Honestly, I’m just going to sleep. She said to take it easy, and I feel pretty wiped. You won’t miss anything. Just stay at work, tell the others I had low blood sugar or something, and I’ll be here when you get home. I promise I’m okay.”

He swallows. It’s like a cold, hard weight has settled in his stomach. He wants to go back inside, do what she asks, but he also wants to run all the way home that second and hold his wife. His body refuses to do either, and he slumps against the wall of the precinct.

“Jake?”

“Mmm? Right. Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

She clears her throat. He recognizes the tightness in her voice. It’s the same tightness he feels squeezing around his chest. “I’m fine, Jake. Nothing you do is going to change what’s happened.” Her voice has never sounded so tiny.

“Whatever you want. I’m sure it would be okay if I came home…”

“Jake, I’m going to be asleep. I think I can do that without a police escort. Listen, I love you for worrying, but I’m gonna be okay.” He nods, before remembering she can’t see him.

“Okay. I love you too.” He listens hard, hoping to hear a smile somehow. He doesn’t.

“See you tonight.”

He stares ahead as she hangs up. He has no idea how long he’s out there before he feels a strong hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, man. What’s wrong? Is Amy okay?”

All Jake can manage is a slight shrug, a shake of the head, before he’s leaning into Terry’s chest, breaths coming quickly as his shoulders shake against the wall of muscle. Terry pulls him in tighter. “Okay, Jake. It’s okay. Do what you need to do.”

-

Amy’s true to her word – she’s asleep when Jake gets home. It’s only half an hour since they spoke, but the idea of typing up some report or conducting an interrogation while she was here made him feel sick. He kneels next to the couch for a minute, stroking her hair out of her red-rimmed eyes. He knows his must look equally puffy. He leans forward to press a kiss to her temple. 

He tries to think loud enough for her to hear but not loud enough to wake her: _I love you, I love you so much, and I wish I could make this all better but I don’t know how._

When he tugs the blanket off the back of the couch to drape over her, it’s just enough movement to wake her. He winces.

“Sorry.”

“Hey.” There’s that tiny voice again. Amy, his completely fierce, kick-ass wife, sounding tiny. It’s like getting punched in the stomach. Her face scrunches up in confusion for a second, and he can pinpoint the second she remembers what’s happened. The confusion is replaced by emptiness. “What time is it?”

He kisses her cheek before standing, lifting her feet so he can nestle in under her legs where she’s lying on the couch. “About half an hour later than it was when you told me not to come home. How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Amy.”

She sits up, sucking in a quick breath and trying to hide the pain on her face. It’s all he can do not to call an ambulance. He settles for stroking her thigh, holding her close as she faces him.

“Not fine. Sore. Sad. Stupid.”

He frowns and tucks her hair behind her ear. “I understand two of those. Why stupid?”

She’s just looking at her knees, as if she can’t bear to make eye contact with him. A little shrug. “We didn’t even know I was- I didn’t think I was having a baby this morning and I’m not having one now. Nothing’s changed. I should be able to deal with this.” Her voice catches and Jake takes her hand.

“Amy, if this is nothing then I just got snot all over Terry’s tie for no reason. It’s okay to feel sad about this. This is…” he shakes his head, “this is something.”

Her face crumples and she nods. “Yeah. It is.” He has to sniff to keep it together. He’s cried at Amy stubbing her toe, stepping on upturned plugs, catching her little finger in the oven door before now. He has zero idea how to do this, but he’s going to try. For her. “I just – nobody even knew it was there, and now it’s gone. And I can’t help feeling so guilty.”

He takes her hand. “What?”

She wipes at her nose with a crumpled tissue. “I know I’ve been pushing myself at work lately. What if- if I did something to-” She’s still staring down at her hands where they’re tangled up with his. He ducks his head to catch her eyes.

“Hey-” his voice falters too but he powers through, “I know that deep down you know this, but I’m going to say it anyway. This isn’t your fault. This happens to a lot of people every year. Terry even told me it happened to him and Sharon before they had the twins.” Her eyes widen in panic for a second. “I kind of had to explain why I was crying, sorry. He won’t tell the others if we don’t want him to, and he said it might help to talk to Sharon about it.” Her shoulders loosen again, and she nods. “You haven’t done anything wrong. This is awful, but it’s no reflection on you.”

She finally looks up at him. Leaning forward, she places a hand on his cheek and kisses him, slowly, deliberately. She presses another kiss to his cheek, then just rests her head against his, her breathing reaching something resembling a steady pace – or at least, steady enough to match his. She whispers a “thank you” against his jaw. He closes his eyes and lets himself appreciate the solid feel of her body over his, in his arms. She’s here, and he’s got her, and she’s going to be okay. They’re going to be okay. He absent-mindedly rubs at the spot on her lower back that always gets sore. He doesn’t feel it, but she smiles into his skin. He shudders out a breath and she pulls back to look at him, remaining firmly settled in position, curled up in his lap.

“Are you okay?”

He smiles. Of course she would ask. She’s been in pain for 24 hours straight and she asks how he is.

“Mostly worried about you. I don’t know. It just feels so unfair.” She nods. “I mean, I guess I just wish we’d known. We didn’t even get to be excited. Just skipped straight to being sad.”

“You would have been excited?”

They’ve had the conversation before a handful of times – children are a definite yes, but it’s never been much more than a ‘some day’.

He looks at her and smiles. “I mean, it’s always been this idea, but- I don’t know. This made it more real. My head’s been all over the place since earlier. One minute I can’t stop imagining finding out, telling everyone else, Charles having an aneurysm-” she snorts, “and you being all big and pregnant and everything. The bath times, bed times, first days at school, me sobbing when I have to say goodbye-” his voice completely gives out for a moment. “We didn’t get to picture that. But now I can’t stop.”

She snuggles into him, tucking her head under his chin. She’s been doing it too – imagining Jake with a baby asleep on his chest, holding hands with their kids at the park, making up ridiculous stories and characters for them to act out, reading Harry Potter to them before they go to sleep and doing fifty distinctly different voices somehow. “I know. And it keeps getting interrupted. And you get sad again.”

She feels him nod above her. She concentrates on the steady thud of his heart next to her cheek.

“I guess we just have to be sad for a while.”

“Guess so.”

They’re quiet for a couple of minutes. She can feel moisture on her hair where tears have dripped down his cheek. She doesn’t say anything, just hands him a tissue. He squeezes her a little tighter.

After a while, he gets up to make them both a hot chocolate. They go untouched, but they make her smile, and that’s all he needed.

“One day we won’t feel this sad.”

Amy takes a deep breath. “I know.”

“You’re amazing, and if this is something you want,” she resists the urge to roll her eyes at him still checking even though she’s made it perfectly clear that it is and she does, “it’ll happen somehow. I’ll do everything I can to make it happen.”

“Are you hitting on me?”

He gives her a sheepish grin. “I’m always low-key hitting on you. But really. Let’s take our time to process this, but then… let’s start talking about it. For real. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything. I never thought I could be as happy as I am being your husband.” She smiles. “I think it’s time. Let’s build our family.”

“Our family. Sounds like a plan.”

She kisses him again.

They both stay home the next day. 

They wake with sore throats and limbs tangled together, the rising sun illuminating the tear stripes on their cheeks. Jake blinks into bleary consciousness to see Amy smiling at him as she strokes his curls. He smiles back.

Something ended yesterday. It’s going to hurt for a while. But they both know that one day they’ll look back at this as the start of something so much brighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Contains reference to miscarriage. I saw a play that included this theme last week and I couldn't get this out of my head. Sorry for medical inaccuracies.


End file.
